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blow_my_bubbles

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New Journal [16 Oct 2007|08:51pm]
romanadore

I'm going to update in THAT journal from now on. Feel free to add me if you haven't already.
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-|80|- For some reason... [14 Aug 2007|12:06pm]
[ mood | confused ]

I couldn't help but to wake up today feeling like something was terribly wrong. I began to cry for no apparent reason. Honestly, what's wrong with me? I feel empty, lost and slightly confused. I think I know what may be wrong. It's a part of me that seems to be missing. But why today, of all days, would it be affecting me? Perhaps because it's the 14th. That may mean something, it may not.

I'm just having one of those days. One of those moments. One of those phases that tear you from within until you can snap out of it and find the silverlining. I'm tired of my optomism; my constant kindness and selflessness.

Then again, this is me at my happiest.



Roman

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-|79|- [15 Jun 2007|09:33am]
...Help me find true love.


I thought I would just stop by to let everyone know that my summer is going well :)

-- Roman
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-|78|- Blast last night :) [10 Jun 2007|05:16pm]
[ mood | tired ]

Discotekka. I defintely love that place. I was there from 11pm to 5 am. The night fcken rocked (for the most part.) I would have to say though, what does it for me more than anything is the music and DJ. Great choice of songs. Then of course there are the hot guys. But yeah...that's besides the point.

All in all....great time :D


-- Roman

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-|77|- [17 Apr 2007|07:02pm]
[ mood | angry ]

Another letdown. Another fuck up. Jesus Christ, do I walk around with a target on my back? Bah I'm pissed. Whatever. It'll find a way to work it's way out. It always does.

2 comments|post comment

-|76|- [07 Dec 2006|08:43pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

It's been a good couple of weeks since my last update. I'd like you all to know that I am doing well.

I'll recap with bullets:

- I broke my new phone
- My campaign to raise awareness for World AIDS Day went great
- The Sexual Minority Group is proving to be better than expected
- I got hit on by a 40 year old gay man
- Jose and I have picked back up
- He's bringing back old feelings
- MAJOR Restlessness.
- Midterms next week = scary
- I'm going to go broke christmas shopping

And one more thing:

Gay Boys are SO NOT capricious

Heh ^_^'..right....Even I don't believe that.


Much Love, <3

-Roman-

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-|75|- [19 Nov 2006|10:47pm]
[ mood | blah ]

fuck.Fuck.FUCK.

I definitely let my guard down too early. Well better now then later. This sucks.



You can take a guess. Superfluous details aren't necessary in this matter. Shit happens.

Much Love, <3

-Roman-

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-|74|- [12 Nov 2006|02:13pm]
[ mood | blah ]

1) List 10 things that you want to say to 10 people.

2) Don't say who they are.

3) Never discuss it again.



1. You truly are like my other half. We always somehow manage to prove that regardless of the short span of time that we've actually known each other. Somehow, you and I were meant to meet. Maybe we were twins in a past life. I dunno. I truly treasure our friendship. I just feel that one day things won't be the same as they are now.

2. I love you to death and you know that. I'm just a dick to you because I'm sick and tired of seeing you get hurt so many damn times. Yes, I do mean that fucking immature peace of shit asshole that can't grow the fuck up and finally realize that in this world there is no such thing as perfection. You know that if your mother knew all of the things you've been going through lately, she'd probably say the same things. But I guess my opinion doesn't make much of a difference anyway, does it? What worries me most is that I know within one year we may not be friends anymore.

3. I'm not sure if we're really friends or not. I do enjoy your company sometimes. What really makes me happy about this is that you can't hurt me anymore. Like seriously, I think I'm finally over it all. Thank you.

4. I'm not perfect and you know that. So please stop making me feel like I have to be. I hate the fact that one day you're going to be happy knowing that I've accomplish everything that you've wanted for me. But then when I'm not happily married with a woman. What then? Will I still be your pride and joy?

5. I truly miss and admire you. You're out of here and making something of your life. That's what I aspire to do. I'm just worried that maybe you did it all too early in your life. I guess I'm just trying to say that I miss my little sister and that I worry about you. And to be honest it seems that you're so alone all the time. I dunno. I just worry too much for you.

6. Sometimes I worry for you because I fear that one day when reality finally hits, you'll wake up dead.

7. I just met you a couple of months ago but you've proven to be a great friend. I just feel robbed because I know that when senior year ends we may not see each other ever again or even speak to each other ever again. It sucks, really. Maybe we're just meant to help each other get through the next 7 months of life. So, to Life.

8. I can feel myself falling for you already. I know you're going to hurt me. Terribly. I just know it. What I think will hurt the most is that when that time comes, you may not even care. I'll just have to take everything as it comes. I should honestly stop this now before it gets too far, but I kind of feel like I'm in quicksand. FUCK. I think what worries me most is that this all happened so quickly and suddenly. It makes me wonder if it could end just as fast. You're DEFINITELY going to make a major impact on where my life goes from here.

9. If it were up to me you wouldn't exist. I've never hated anyone before and I'm not going to start now. Hate is too strong of a word. I don't hate you. It's impossible for me to do that, but you know what? I'm pretty close enough to it. He deserves so much better than the bullshit you put him through. You say you love him but you treat him like a dog. Grow the fuck up and find some one else to be your pet. He's too good for you. Fuck yourself. I hope karma comes around one day and does more fucked up things to you than you could ever imagine to do to him. Have a horrible life.

10. I love you. It just bother me how you can never do anything for yourself. Stop worrying about others. Start being selfish. Your life is starting soon but you sit here wasting your time doing tedious things. How are you going to get anywhere in life when you can't even get things done. You have so much potential and could do anything, ANYTHING you want but you would rather settle than succeed. I just hope life really turns out to be what you hope for. I guess all that really matters in life is just finding what truly makes you happy and keeping it until you die.


Why does senior year have to be the one year where the decisions you make now will settle what your life will be like for the next 40 years?

Much Love, <3

-Roman-

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-|73|- [12 Nov 2006|01:19pm]
[ mood | happy ]

JESUS!

Ok so I just had to start my entry in vain. Hah. Anyway. OMFG SO MUCH TO FUCKING UPDATE ABOUT!!! AHHHHHHH. I think I'll just make bullets. It makes everything easier:

- My shortest relationship is offcially 2 days long.*
- Things with Carlos are going great.
- This month I may be going to Chicago for a weekend.
- Today is going to be packed.
- Today is going to be a bitch.
- My Trust Counselor wants me to take lead of the new GSA we are about to make.
- I NEED to finish my report on gay rights for Perez.
- I SERIOUSLY NEED to finish my applications
- I HAVE to start water polo this week.
- I'm not a flake.
- Don't watch the Grudge 2.
- I STILL NEED to watch Marie Antoinette and Running with Scissors. Can't wait for Happy Feet.
- I'm being FORCED to watch Borat.
- Where's the beef?
- I'm planning a Christmas Dinner Party in December. Martha Stewart style bitches!
- Life is complicated as fuck.
- && I love it : )

*Ok so I asked out Carlos tuesday night. Then I realized I was moving WAY too fast. We talked, shared our opinions, stripped ourselves of the title, and things are just great = D

Last night was awesome as all hell. Eddie, Roly, Alexis, Santi, Sasha, CarCar, and Carlos all came to my house last night. We ate shit for a bit and then got hungry. We decided to make a run to TGI Friday's at the Falls to munch on some food. When we got there it was packed. We put my name down but apperently there were like 2 other parties of 8 in front of us and who knows how many of 2, 4 and 6. The wait would be like an hour. So we decided to run over to Samurai. That was worse. So we went back to Friday's. They called us in, got in a booth. They should know not to do that.

8 hispanic teenagers + a large booth + food - heterosexuality/ decency(morality)= A loud and obnoxious group.

OMG I HAVE TO DO THIS:

Highlights of the Night

- Ebonie being our waitress (she was black)
- Carlos pointing out that Ebonie was on drugs.
- Everyone getting their plate of food before me:

Roman: Um Excuse me. My food hasn't arrived yet.
Ebonie: What did you order?
Roman: The Sizzling Chicken and shrimp
Ebonie: (pause) Oh Crap. (walks away)

- Santi asking the waitress if we could split the bill one way.
- The Elections:

Sasha: So who won anyway?
Everyone: Crist.
Sasha: Oh damn...Anti-Crist?
Santi: Wait. So George Bush isn't our president anymore?

Holy Crist how I love my friends <333


Much Love, <3

-Roman-

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-|72|- "Dream is Destiny" [06 Nov 2006|09:44pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

Dream is Destiny


Slow
And quite
A drop falls from the sky
As a breeze passes by.
I never quite understood what it meant to feel
E m p t y .
Though thoughts slur from my head
None of these
F e e l i n g s
None of these
W o r d s
Are worth speaking about
Nor worrying about.
Autumn doesn't feel the same
As it sweeps me away with the brown
Maple leaves
Dead after summer's end.
August turns gray and
All hope fades away.
Into the clouds I rise
While the dusk masks the sun.
I suddenly realize how new this is to me
Yet somehow I know
That I have been waiting for it.
Two beings waiting to be
R e u n i t e d.
Fate had foreseen the coming of this event.
A new life
A new love.
The right moment
Waiting to take place.
Now I wonder:
How far will this take me?
In an instant I lay in a
Safe place,
Inspired by the words of a sullen sky...



Much Love, <3

-Roman-

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-|71|- [02 Nov 2006|10:21pm]
[ mood | optimistic ]

Well I am happy to say that things are really starting to look up. School is at a form of plateau so I haven't been facing much stress. The DFYIT assembly I helped my trust counselor put together didn't turn out so bad. On the bright side her and I are like best buds now so she can take me out of class whenever I want. Woot. Then next week I officially start water polo. I've been waiting for this since I started club this past spring. It's such a kickass sport. Now I have something physical to keep me in shape. Yup...school, work, clubs, and sports! I can do it all. I'm just you're regular, everyday, extraordinary Renaissance man.

Along with all of that, I'd also like to add that I sort of am seeing some one now. His name is Carlos. Him and I have been friends for a good 2 1/2 years. And well him and I have always had on and offs of sort of liking eah other and we've even gone on a date before but we usually just ended up staying friends. HOWEVER, the past weekend we both happened to be at the same party. Well, for some odd reason, perhaps there was something in the air or maybe all the stars happened to be aligned, everything sort of just clicked. We hung out with each other the entire party. Then sunday we hung out once more. Then monday the 30th we went to the Falls to watch Saw 3. We ended up going to the park by my house and playing around on the merry-go-round and slides and such. It was quite indie and cute. As of now he's in orlando for FTC's (Drama competition) so I won't get to see him again until possibly monday night.

To be honest it's really a big suprise to the both of us that this randomly sort of happened, but I think that's how the best relationships sort of turn out. It's something every unexpected, and it's the one thing you needed in the midst of your chaotic world. And it seems the pieces of my life are coming well together. Let's just hope they all fit right. Well here's to life and, well, hoping that everything turns out for the best. Good Night Tinsel Town.

Much Love, <3

-Roman-

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-|70|- [29 Oct 2006|12:52am]
[ mood | cheerful ]

This party was exactly what I needed to clear my head and let go. Damn it's been a while since I danced like that. Good riddance. I hope all is well in tinsel town.

Much Love, <3

-Roman-

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-|69|- [25 Oct 2006|01:19am]
[ mood | blah ]

It's that feeling you get that for some inexplicable reason you just feel lonely or unloved. I know that's not the case, but I can't help but feel unoticed. I know, right? I think I'm just craving attention. Meh...I need to stop watching romantic comedies late at night.

I hope it's cold tomorrow.

Much Love, <3

-Roman-

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-|68|- Life and Friendships -|¤|- [22 Oct 2006|02:18pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

I have the urge to update my journal but I don't exactly know where to start...

I might as well start off with where I'm in my life right now. 2 weeks ago I started talking to this guy Charlie. I'm not really going to get into heavy detailing but the first week was great. He was such a sweet guy. Not saying that he isn't now, but whatever was going on with us has like died out now. It lost it's momentum. So at this point everything is basically purely platonic between us. I rather just see him as a friend now. If anything I probably just started liking him because I really had no love interest in my life and he just showed up and gave me the attention I had been craving. Oh well. I don't mind just having him as a friend now. I just hope he feels the same way.

Now for best friends. I really don't think Alexis and I really have much of a friendship anymore. To be honest we've grown apart so much that at this point I could care less about whether we stay friends. At this point I'd have to say that my best friends are Sasha and CarCar. They are the two people that no matter what, they've always been there for me. They are the two people that whatever the situation, they'd make the mission-and-a-half to see me or to just hang out. Mind you, up until recently, neither of us had a car. So honestly I think these are two people that after high school or after college, whether we're in the same state or even talking to each other anymore, a part of them will always be with me.

And life, well recently something hit me pretty hard. When I was eight I met two very beautiful and great girls: Katya and Fadiah. Both of them just lived right around the corner from me. We would always hang out and do stupid things. Whether we were playing with pogs, pogo sticks, pokemon cards, yo-yos or skateboards, listening to Britney Spears and N*sync, the three of us went through the same phases together. When puberty finally hit things slightly changed. They went on to talk about boys and make-up while I was like um...still in the closet. Then when I finally came out, well they too came out. Both of them claimed to be bi. It was quite comforting really. So we traded in our gameboys for cellphones, nintendos for computers and cute middle school relationships for serious high school loves. Out favorite season was winter. Christmas break was the one time you could not separate us. It was our season where we would did out in the middle of the night to watch the stars and eat malta canes <3. But now we've all basically gone our own ways. Kat moved out to live with her boyfriend and Fadiah is now living in Chicago dancing her life away. We still talk bu not as often as before. We knew one day would come when we eventually would no longer see each other everyday, but not this soon. Then again when is soon? Maybe this is just the right time. Of course I'm still living at home and in high school, but I know my day will still come. but once more, I'm not going to let it be left without saying, these two girls made a major impact on my life. They too will always be with me.


Well here's to life.

Much Love, <3

-Roman-

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-|67|- Like nothing ever before -|¤|- [09 Oct 2006|10:55pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

It's one of those moments when you know you're life is going to change forever. I hope all is well in Tinsel Town.

Much Love, <3

-Roman-

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-|66|- tuesday night -|¤|- [03 Oct 2006|09:52pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

So I'm here surfing the net while eating mini oreos and drinking arizona tea when I think to myself: "Why the hell am I still awake?" That's life for ya.

Much Love, <3

-Roman-

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-|65|- In need of an update -|¤|- [02 Oct 2006|09:55pm]
[ mood | pensive ]

So seeing that a good couple of my (new) friends have caused me to want to update my livejournal, I shall try to update frequently, starting NOW. Not to mention that I am in dire need of it. However, seeing that it's been a good couple of months since I last updated, I will try to summarize the best I can and try not to make this entry to long.

For starters, Jose and I did break-up; Just two days before what would have been our 2nd month together. I was devastated but oh well I moved on. I spent my summer continuing to work. After my internship I was hired to work as an assistant at Agreda and Co., C.P.A. I really do enjoy it there. Then senior year began. My schedule was out of whack but I was later able to fix it. Currently I have:

1. Office Aide
2. A.P. English Literature
3. Italian III
4. A.P. Government and Economics
5. A.P. Calculus
6. Financial Planning

The first couple of weeks of making the transition from eating crap at home to school and work after school hit me hard. I was dead tired. I am happy to say that I have gotten used to it. Not to mention that I am president of the Italian Club and part of like 5 or 6 other clubs. Ugh. Oh and wait 'till water polo starts in November. I AM GOING TO SURELY DIE. Sadly, I am not the only one feeling the pain of senior year.

And well the love life as many of you may be wondering, well at the moment I would have to say is on hiatus. I'm really not looking for anyone or anything right now. My life is a chaotic whirlwind as you can see, so I need as much time and space for myself to get things in order. I mean of course I'm not going to block some one out if they so happen to be the next person to sweep me off of my feet but it's just something that I have to feel 100% sure about. Relationships honestly do take a lot out of you, and well I suppose there's just not much more of myself that I can give out to some one else. I rather not sit there and hurt some one due to my own selfish reasons. I would like to say that I am enjoying the single life rather well (though a part of me thinks otherwise.) In other words, I'm just not looking for love right now. I'll let it find me.

Aside from that life has gone on and I am just taking it all in little by little. Soon enough graduation will come along, we'll all go to different colleges, graduate from there, find a job to spend our lives working at, retiring and then eventually dying. Doesn't sound all that great, now does it? Really, it seems that that's usually all people see life as being. They don't realize that what makes life worth living and risking is all of the things you do outside of work and what you've planned to do or what you're told to do. Life is about all the surprises, all the mistakes, all the lessons and the many people that will walk in and out, leaving an impact on us. Yes, go figure, life is what you make of it.

Now how's that for an update? BOOYAH!

Much Love, <3

-Roman-

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-|64|- Just me thinking out loud -|¤|- [22 Jun 2006|10:47am]
[ mood | pensive ]

So it would seem that this break hasn't only given Jose some time to think but it's given me some as well. I've come to many conclusions that are of course obvious but I shall talk about of them anyway.

So it's been a week since Jose and I ended up having our discussion about my sexual past with certain people. It's been a week since we've been on a break. Sadly enough, last night him and I had the best conversation we've had in a week. For the past week I've been tortured by the fact that how suddenly he could see me a different way just by finding out something that happened between myself and two other people a couple of months prior to him and I ever meeting. I admit it, that is rather immature on his part but what else do you expect from some one that's 15 year sof age? I've realized that there's a lot of things he hasn't learned yet and things he hasn't grown out of. So in other words, I've realized he's not ready to be in such a serious and committed relationship at his age. I love him but I can't force him to love me. That's something that he'll have to learn to do on his own.

In a week will be our 2nd month together. It's been two months and already the relationship is taking a bad turn. I've decided that I will give him another week to think things through and decide what he wants because, although I did say I would give him as much time as he needed, I can't wait around for him. What will happen if I do wait until he gets back from Spain in August just for him to say: "Well I've decided that things aren't going to work out and we need to break up. Have a good day." I really can't sacrifice my summer waiting around for him to make a decision. I cried myself to sleep for 4 nights straight while it may seem that he hasn't been phased by this at all. I'm here lonely and depressed, he's over there having a great time scuba diving and skiing. Perhaps he's finding a way to deal with the issue through other means or maybe he's just ignoring it all together. Maybe it's just easy for him to ignore since he's in Spain and no where near me.

Anyway as I was saying, I'm giving him another week. If he's still not over it I'm breaking up with him. My reasoning: there's still a lot he has to learn. I can't wait around for him. He's too young to be in such a serious relationship. I'm ready to settle down and he should just go out and have fun. Of course I love him but if we're both hurting ourselves through this then what's the point of continuing it if it's not going anywhere. Actually we're both too young to be falling in love and letting it ruin our lives. Of course if things do work out then we'll just continue with the relationship. Though I have a feeling the same issue will rise up again.

I actually just had a talk with my supervisor right now and he told me a story of when he was 20 and in love. Regardless of who you love now, who they love can always change. But if it doesn't work out in your favor, there is always, no matter what, some one around the corner waiting to love you.

Much Love, <3

-Roman-

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-|63|- An update -|¤|- [19 Jun 2006|11:29am]
[ mood | worried ]

Hey guys. Well as usual I am at work. My superviosrs don't have anything for me to do right now so I am sort of taking a break at the moment. Anyway for the last for days have been , I'll be honest, not the best.

Thursday - Well Jose and I ended up having a conversation about my past sexual experiences. It didn't go so well. See when him and I first started talking we didn't really get too much into about each other's past sexual experiences. I asked him if he had ever had sex, he said yes. I said I as well have, just once though..anal. On thursday I found out that he thought I meant was that I had only done one thing remotely sexual just one time with one person. See to him sex is anything that isn't kissing. When I said sex I meant anal. So when I brought the fact that I had a threesome before he was confused and felt that I had lied to him before and that I was trying to cover it up. I then had to explain my view and whatever else I had done with other people. I still have only had anal sex with one person though. What really bothered him was the fact that the threesome I had was with Alexis, one of my best friends, and his boyfriend Santi. Not to mention the fact that we were on who knows how many drugs when it happened. Two people he was currently getting close to. So I guess he feels betrayed by the fact that I hadn't told him this sooner before getting to know them, but I mean if I had known it would have turned out to be so bad I would have said something earlier. Anyway, long story short he began to question our relationship because he feels confused and also felt awkward by the fact that I had "sex" with my best friend and his boyfriend. Although this all occured nearly 5 months prior to us meeting.

Friday - Well Friday night I stayed home after getting home from work. I was hoping Jose would get online so we could talk about the conversation we had the previous day and that he hopefully had gotten over it. Yeah, no...He got online but he hadn't gotten over it like I was hoping he would. He actually ended up asking that we take a break because he needed time to think things over and decide what his next step would be. Eiher he gets over it and we stay together, or him not being able to get over it and just breaking up with me. Yeah I know it sucks. And yes, I know, he obviously doesn't have a mature mindset since he's not able to accept my past and move on. But he genuinely is trying to get over it. I don't know why he feels this way, and neither does he. Well after the conversation I cried and went to sleep.

Saturday - I woke up feeling like crap but whatever I got over it. I was being all emo and listen to break up songs and what not. Alexis wouldn't allow me to stay home and be emo so he picked up CarCar and Myself and we went to The Falls. Most of the time we were there I was pretty down. As usual no one likes it when I'm not my usual happy-go-lucky self so they were obviously bothered by it. Later Santi met up with us and we ended up going to Fuddruckers and then Starbucks. I was starting to cheer up a bit. Then we had the most random idea to go on the metro and find out how to get to bayfront park from North Dadeland Station so when we go to Warped on saturday we can get there that way.
So I actually ended up having a great time because CarCar and I were showing Santi and Alexis how to get around Downtown. CarCar was the cutest little tourgirl. When I got home I just went to bed. I went all day without talking to Jose but I was thinking of him the whole time.

Sunday - I continued my emo streak by staying in and listening to music. I got my dad a nice little card for father's day and he nearly cried because of what it said. Lol. It was cute. Well Alexis ended up coming over to hang out for a bit. While he was there Jose ended up signing on. Well he IMed me and our conversation started off normal. It then went downhill because we ended up talking about our conversation from friday. Basically some of the same things were said. He was still feeling the same way. Confused, hurt, I dunno what else. I was obviously the one getting far more hurt. He says his feelings for me haven't changed at all, but I guess he just sees me in a different way? I didn't say this but he's making me feel like I'm a whore or something. But I said all that I could and I guess I've done all I can to try and help him out. And I really had no choice but to tell him that I would wait until he's cleared up his mind, regardless of what he decides on doing. So really I don't know whether this is classified as a break or a break-up. Regardless of what it is all I know is that it sucks and it hurts a lot knowing that I may end up losing him. Another thing that sucks is that there's not really much I can do but sit here and hope for the best I guess.

We both realize as well that him being in Spain makes it even harder. If he were here he'd be able to deal with it better. The fact that this is happening is killing me. Once again I have fallen in love and it's already going to shit. It's going to be so hard getting over him if we actually do break up. But it's me, Roman. I can't think that way. I'm always telling my friends to be optomistic, stay strong and never give up. It's easier said then done. I've realized that. It's harder to deal with when you're put in a situation like this.

Love isn't perfect. Love actually is complicated. Love really does change people. Love can tear some one apart from the inside.

Then why is it so beautiful?


Much Love, <3

-Roman-

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-|62|- For your Entertainment -|¤|- [16 Jun 2006|09:02am]
[ mood | awake ]

So today I got on the metro as usual. I took my seat and prepared myself for yet another day at work. ""T.G.I.F..." I though to myself. Then when we arrived to the Daeland North station Santa Claus came and sat right in front of me. He had a white beard and jolly blue eyes, not to mention he was a bit thin. He had the face of a polish man but the scent of a frenchman. His odor was that of rotten clay basked in cat urine and teriyaki sauce. I held my nose from North Dadeland Station to Brickell. It was grand.

Much Love, <3

-Roman-

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